What I have learnt from celebrities #1: Vanessa Feltz
Most fat celebs bleat on about how they love being "curvy" (which really means porky) They say how happy they are being fat and wouldn't change it for the world and everyone praises them for having so much self esteem and what a boost it is for fat people all over to see someone just like them on the TV.
We all know it's a lie and that they go home and cry and stuff their faces with fried cheese to blot out the pain. Then they get all evangelical after finding out their husband is cheating on them, they lose weight and appear on the cover of every magazine showing off their new slim line figure and talking about the new fitness video they bringing out so YOU TOO can lose weight just like them! Then they go nuts and put all the weight back on. Wow. What a role model, eh?
If Vanessa proved one thing it was that if you have the body and the personality of a prize pig then don't expect losing weight to make you any happier. If you are miserable now and you lose weight you will still be miserable, you will just take up less room while you do it.
Sexercise: Wanking your way to weight loss
Jogging. It's dull and hard work and not remotely enjoyable. Aerobics. It makes you sweaty for no good reason. Kissing, however, burns 5 calories a minute so find yourself a willing partner and go for it.
One session of masturbation burns off around 150 calories. The calorie content of TWO fun sized snickers bar is 144 calories. See where I am going?
Masturbation also stops you craving sweet foods as the orgasm stimulates the release of phenethylamine, a natural amphetamine, which is also found in chocolate, into the blood stream, so once you are done you probably won't even want those two fun sized snickers.
You are lucky enough to have a chubby chasing partner? Shag away! Having sex 3 times a week for a year is the equivalent of running 75 miles and I know I'd rather do some horizontal jogging.
Oh and since the average ejaculate contains less than 25 calories you might as well swallow too.
Know your enemy #2: fashion magazines
No, not because they offer a false view of the perfect woman and cause us all to be anorexic, but because they persistently lie about the size of fat celebrities and cause people who are an actual size 16 to think they are also the same size and look hideous.
Case #1: Fern Britton.
Who hasn't seen the famous pictures of fern Britton running round the beach in a bikini with a wobbly belly. I say to her Good on you, love. Let it all hang out. I say to Heat magazine
Do NOT try to convince us this is a "generous size 16" because we know better.Case #2: Michelle McManus
Popular fattie Michelle McManus has done an amazing job of losing the weight. Once again, good on you love! Heat Magazine claimed that in this picture she was a size 16. Compare and contrast:
Michelle McManus: Size 16
Me: Size 20 (pre losing 14lbs)
Not an awful lot of difference is there?
While fashion magazines claim porky celebs are a size 16 to spare their blushes all they are doing is causing people who genuinely take a size 16 to think they look like THAT. So come on
Heat, when a portly star claims they are size 16 don't take their word for it, get that tape measure out and check!
Know your friends #1: The humble cornflake
When dieting the first thing most people reach for is this:
The bran flake. Bran flakes, however, are worse than eating cardboard. They taste like utter crap and they make you fart LOADS. Don't fall for the hype.
Cornflakes, blessed cornflakes, how lovely you taste first thing in the morning. You don't go soggy and you taste delightful.
Frosties, a little bit too sugary, but you are nice too, especially, as pictured here, when you are imported from Germany.
Lets view the health statistics with my patented method of calories counting (ie looking on the back of the packet)
Bran flakes 30g serving with semi skimmed milk: 154 calories
Cornflakes 30g serving with semi skimmed milk: 171 calories
Frosties 30g serving with semi skimmed milk: 170 calories
See that - when you eat bran flakes you are enduring eating something that tastes vile for a saving of 17 calories. So eat your frosties, eat your cornflakes and then go and masturbate to burn off the extra 17 calories. I guarantee you will be happier.
Snacks #1: Turkey Ham
Healthy snacking is always difficult when trying to lose weight. Don't be faffing around with carrot sticks and hummus - simply crack open a packet of Turkey ham and scoff away. 100g of Turkey ham is only 103 calories and as this full box weighs in at 170g half a dozen slices of this stuff isn't going to pack on the pounds.
Who would want to date YOU
The only people who want to date fat chicks are chubby chasers. Do you really want to date a chubby chaser? Best get looking on yahoo personals for someone who lists Plump as their ideal body type!
Know your enemy #1: Bread
Bread. It's gorgeous. In reality though it is nothing more than calorie expensive wrapping paper. When someone buys you a cake do you eat the bag it came in? No because you want the real food inside.
Bread is easy though. You get up in the morning, you're hungover, you can't be arsed making something decent to each so you shove some bread in the toaster and two lovely golden brown slices dripping with hot melted butter. It's easy, it's quick and it helps that headache go away.
It's lunchtime. You're at work and you don't have time to go anywhere except to Sainsburys to buy one of their pre packed sarnies. It tastes fabulous and it's low in fat so you feel particularly pious.
For tea you have some nice soup, it's just liquid, it's not filling so you can afford to have a slice of bread with it.
It's 2am; you've just gotten in. A bit of toast is what you need to soak up that alcohol!
See that - that's 7 slices of bread without you even noticing. Each slice of bread is generally around 100 calories so today you ate 700 calories just because it was easy. If you want to lose weight fast you should could out the bread as you could make a lasagne from fresh, enough to feed 3 people and eat the whole thing yourself and it would be around 700 calories. I know which one I would prefer.
Alcopops: Just how bad for you are they?
You're out, you're having fun, you have a trusty old bottle of overpriced VK Orange in your hand you are all set for the best night out ever, but do you know what that bottle is doing to you? I'm not lecturing on the evils of binge drinking here, my liver complains every Sunday morning and I've never given into it once. What I'm talking about is the fact that if you drink bottles you are getting terrible value in terms of Alcohol units for the amount of calories in each bottle.
Presented here is a small survey of the amount of calories per bottle in some of the more popular bottles that you may like to drink on a Saturday night.
Orange Bacardi Breezer - 179 calories
Reef Orange & Passion Fruit - 179 calories
Smirnoff Ice - 176 calories
VK Orange - 220 calories
A bottle of VK orange has 1.1 units of alcohol and 220 calories. One single vodka, equal to 1 unit of alcohol, contains 61 calories. The ratio of alcohol content to calories is ridiculously bad value.
To stay drunk and lose weight switch from bottles to vodka and mixer. That way you can get just as drunk for half the calories, or if you prefer, twice as drunk for the same amount of calories. Plus you won't look like an under aged drinker who can't handle their liquor
The truth about Lager: It makes you look pregnant.
Could you bear the ignominy of someone offering you their seat on the bus because they think you are 7 months gone?
My weight loss is going well
I get weighed every 4 weeks at the moment. My first weigh in was at the start of March. My second was 3 weeks later and I had lost 8lbs. 8lbs sounds terrific doesn't it? The best thing is it hasn't been a struggle. Loosing weight has proved to be easier than I ever thought possible!
Diet myth #1: I can't help being fat. It's genetic. My mother is fat too!
Weight is governed by one thing.
Calories taken in - calories expended through exercise = weight gain or weight loss.
What this means in lay mans terms is that if you are a slob who sits on your backside all day doing nothing then you will get fat. This means if you eat nothing but crap high calorie food then you will get fat.
Quit whining and blaming it on genetics you stupid fat idiot! Eat some vegetables, get off the sofa once in a while and use those things on the end of your legs once in a while. They are called feet and they are rather useful. You are nothing but a lazy excuse making waste of space. Yeah, and your mother too.
First post: an introduction
I always said i would rather be fat and carry on drinking than give up alcohol. The first time I said that i was about 18 and i had my whole life ahead of me, but now as time drags on as much as i love my life, the late nights, the partying, I have realised i could have so much more.
In this blog I hope to inspire myself to face the challenge of losing my excess pounds while not giving up a single moment of fun. Keep watching, but don't expect me to be nice or polite as i am neither of those things. It's not going to be easy, but at least I might as well have a little fun along the way.
